THE STORY AS I SEE IT

FROM ACCIDENT TO ACTIVIST, THE HEALTH CARE AND HORMONAL HISTORY OF MATTHEW LUCAS BECKETT I was born in the late summer f 1984, even though by then I was already an almost nine year old boy. Born not out of the warmth of the womb, but out of the cold of a coma. There were tubes and wires attached to machines all over, making scary sounds while there were sirens blaring and people rushing around just out of sight. In the room were a woman and a man whom I eventually remembered were my mom and dad. For several weeks even after more or less regaining consciousness, I did not actually speak, but my parents said I seemed at least somewhat aware of what was going on around me, that my vitals were always calmer when they were there, and that I laughed several times between when I 'woke up' and said my first word as the person I was then on my way to becoming, “NO”, I think in response to some machine that I was being hooked up to or exercise that was being done on my body. Much of this part of my story is, of course, derived from things that I have been told, inferred and some just filing in to make it more of a story, but above and below I shall wherever possible be accurate, although it is of course all seen through my perceptions of the events and players of my life. Of course, from the moment that I woke up, there were doctors and therapists seeking to help me regain physical and mental strength. Fortunately, at a mere eight years old, I did not have as much to relearn as an adult who has what is these days referred to as a Traumatic Brain Injury does. But I did need to relearn how to use all of my muscles after roughly six weeks in a coma, including my tongue and even my brain, even after my first word as my post car accident self. Oh, I guess I forgot to mention earlier, something that can happen with what back then we simply called a head injury, that I was in the cold of a coma for that time as the result of being struck and killed by a car crossing the street in front of my house. Obviously, I was not killed in the traditional, literal, physical sense, but everything and everyone that I might have been had this event not happened, my entire old self, was wiped out for all time, which is why I describe coming awake from the coma as being born at eight years old. The boy I had been up to that point was gone forever, and I was reborn as a new boy. The then Senior Pastor of our Church in Salt Lake City, I was told later, had come and sat with my parents the whole of that first night that I was in the hospital. At first, of course, the prayers of everyone were, 'just let him live Lord, beyond that, we don't care'. But once it became clear that that would happen, the prayers turned to my recovery. Eventually, of course, I left intensive care at the hospital that I had been taken care of at right after my accident, but was in rehabilitation at a hospital devoted entirely to children for another roughly six weeks, for a total time in the hospital of roughly three months. Fortunately, my dad's health insurance was wiling to help pay for much of this, as well as the five years of outpatient therapy I had after leaving the hospital, since I had already been with them when this event occurred. For a while after I did return home, I had a teacher that came to our home and worked with me, but about midway through my third grade year, I returned to the school and program that I had been in before my accident. Unfortunately, they were not equipped to deal with someone with the mental and from that behavioral difficulties that I now had, and my parents, I later learned, were asked not to return me there for the following year. So, then, of course, the question arose where would I go for fourth through sixth grade. There were many possibilities considered, including a program for people with learning disabilities at the same school where a girl that I had something of a crush on went. Obviously, I wanted that school, but in the end it was decided that a Program for children with Behavioral Disorders at a different school was a better fit. I was not totally pleased with this, I really wanted to be at the same school as Christie, but at nine years old, I did not have a whole lot of pul nor a sense of what was really best for me, which is why I did not have much pull. Of course, there was also the therapy, physical and otherwise. “What are you trying to do, Break every bone in my body?” I've been told that I screamed at my first physical therapist, at least once, probably more than once. She wasn't, of course, she was just trying to help me regain strength from the waist down, while my occupational therapist was doing the same from my waist up. Since right after the accident I had been in a wheel chair but by the end of third grade or at least the beginning of fourth grade, I was walking again, albeit at first with the aid of a walker, although eventually on my own, the therapy obviously worked. I of course also had to relearn how to talk, which is why I saw a speech therapist for a little bit, although that process took a lot less time than the other two. I had many physical and occupational therapists throughout the five years that I had these therapies, but my favorite physical therapist was the last one I had, Jerry, with whom I got along quite well. He and I got along quite well and while still therapist and patient, were also to at least some extent friends. At some point, Jerry said that he really felt that he had done all that he could for me and that any further progress would be entirely up to me. My dad's insurance was getting kind of tired of paying for this anyway, but since Jerry was an actual employee of theirs, they had not outright said that they would not pay for any more. So after five years, my outpatient physical therapy came to an end. My dad's insurance did not have an occupational therapist in their employ, so we had to pay for my last bit of that ourselves. The place it was done was called K2D2, for the couple that owned its first and last names, but since I had been a STAR WARS fan since before the car accident, I liked that name, and the woman that I worked with said that when she and her husband started this place, STAR WARS had been all the rage, and so this name was not an accident. I worked with her for a few years, but eventually that also reached the point at which she said that she had done all that she could for me, and so my therapy ended. From then on my only regular medical expense was a yearly Check-Up. Going back to the school matter, for the rest of elementary school, fourth through sixth grade, I was in a class for children with behavior problems. The teacher of this class actually had me straightened out behavior wise about two weeks into Fourth Grade, my parents always said, but the limit of twelve students in that class made it easier for me to get the individual attention that I needed, so I stayed there through sixth grade. Not that that was always smooth sailing. Once in sixth grade I was trying to eat enough pop corn to be able to wrap the rest in the paper towel it was on to put it in my backpack, and since the teacher had already told me to put it in my backpack, I got bumped down one level since she perceived this as not following her directions. Technically, of course, it wasn't, but doing so would have made a huge mess in my back pack, which would have made my parents mad. Of course, them being mad at her, especially as I perceived things at the time, would not have been a bad thing. As I think about it now, I should have either put it in my backpack and made a mess or thrown it away, but hindsight is always 20/20. In any case, I eventually finished elementary school and the following year entered a much different situation. In Fourth Grade I also became a Cub Scout, got all three ranks, Bobcat, Wolf and Bear in that single year, was a Webolow (will be loyal scout) in fifth grade, at the end of which I earned my Arrow of Light, which meant that I automatically got the first rank in Boy Scouts, which I started in Sixth Grade. For Intermediate school I was in a Learning Disabilities Class, which was still small, no more than fifteen, but not quite as unreasonably restrictive as the class described above. Throughout all of this time, I continued to have some therapy, although by then my speech was fine and my Cognitive Therapy was off and on by a pattern that I never really fully understood. I had Physical Therapy (from the waist down) from various people for a total of five years, until my final therapist said that he had done all that he could for me and it was up to me beyond that. Occupational Therapy (from the waist up) was a bit more irregular, since my dad's insurance company did not have an Occupational Therapist that worked for them, but was sometimes available. I of course detailed this already. Don't get me wrong, our then Health Insurance paid for a great deal and even if then I was angry about what they wouldn't, in retrospect I am grateful for everything that they did pay for. I did not say much about my cognitive therapy, because I really only remember one such therapist, but it was doing the homework she gave me that caused us to buy our first computer other than our strictly video game computer, which became important when I started really getting into writing. Another side effect we think of my car accident, although since at eight I was bathing myself and of course after the car accident would not have remembered, was that at the age of nine I began what was then called 'Precocious' Puberty, although these days, as I understand, it would not be considered that early. As a result of this, for several years, I had a monthly shot in alternate buttocks to delay this until a more normal time, but when I reached what was then considered the normal time, this stopped. The more important part of mentioning the early puberty, however, is that I had been chasing girls since Third or at the latest Fourth Grade. However, since I was in a wheelchair or walker and they were not, there was no chance of catching them. In any case, I had been interested in girls for five years when I started Senior High School, which brings me to the next major event in my life. I continued in Boy Scouts throughout all of Intermediate School, sometimes liking it, sometimes not, but even then sticking with it because I had set the goal of becoming an Eagle Scout and when I set a goal, if it is in any way possible, I stick to it until I achieve it. In seventh grade, I also joined our church after taking the class and so was henceforth able to vote on matters at Congregational Meetings. One year that I was in Junior High, the national governing body of our Denomination had its meeting where we lived, so going to parts of that was quite an experience. My first period class in Ninth Grade was Boys P.E., and seated near me on the bench in the locker room was a boy whose name I eventually learned was Travis, I won't say his middle or last name to protect his privacy, especially since this is all about stuff that happened in my head anyway. I don't remember if it was the first day or later in the year, but at some point I was looking at Travis and thought “Man, he's hot.” I had never consciously thought this about a guy before, although in later years I realized that in retrospect I had had a male friend in Intermediate School who was kind of cute, but I had not consciously thought of him that way at the time that I knew him. Anyway, I enjoyed sneaking glances at Travis's face in the locker room for the rest of that year, but that was about all that that came to, in fact at the time absolutely all that that came to. “So I'll see you Saturday,” I said, hanging up from asking out a girl at our Church whom I also liked, whom for protection's sake we'll just call Sarah. The following weekend, she and I did have a first date. It was the first real date that I had ever been on, and probably her too, since while I was only fourteen she was only twelve. While Travis was hot enough to turn me onto boys, he had absolutely nothing on Sarah. I once wrote a piece on our blip of seeing each other which I titled “The Face of a Goddess” because she was that HOT and that Gorgeous. For me, hot is about hormonal reactions to a face, while cuteness, prettiness, beauty, handsomeness (female verses male) and gorgeousness (a combination of all three in the case of girls and women and of the two in the case of boys and men) are matters of what the eyes see and the mind perceives. Anyway, at that time Sarah was both the hottest and the most gorgeous person (female or male) that I knew or had ever known. While she was infinitely pleasurable to look at, however, our conversation went a little something like this when we went for ice cream after seeing a movie, since I thought that might at least be a starting point for conversation. “Did you like the movie, Sarah?” “Yes.” “Good Ice Cream, hunh?” “Yes.” And so on, you get the idea. Anyway, our first date was in early November, and in late November I had her, along with several other friends of both genders to my Birthday Party, my physical Birthday, not my awakening Birthday. She did open up a bit more and have a bit more to say there, but I suppose being in a big group rather than alone with me might have helped. Not that I was especially impressive either in appearance or in wit or personality. Anyway, she and I had one more date in January of the following year, but the conversation was not much better and then she stopped wanting to go out with me, which mainly left me with Travis to look at in P.E., not that that was a cause for complaint, looking at him, I mean, a few more dates with Sarah would have been great. Eventually, of course, I finished my Freshman Year and that summer went to Boy Scout Summer Camp on Catalina Island and also on a Church Youth Group Mission Trip although the location escapes me at the moment. By now my only regular medical expense was an annual physical with a Children's Doctor who had been taking care of me since right after my car accident. In my sophomore year of High School, I had a Classmate in my Resource Class whom we'll just call Thomas whom I also had a crush on. He was REALLY HOT, in fact HOTTER than Sarah, who had up until then been the hottest person that I had ever known. Of course, all that I could really do with him was steel an occasional glance as well, although I did try to get together with him socially a time or two, but we never did, I'm not sure if it was time or simply that he was not interested. I also that year had crushes on several girls, both at school and at Church, and had one date with one of them on the anniversary of my second and last date with Sarah, January 20th. We'll call her Violet. She was not quite as gorgeous as Sarah, but pretty enough, and she and I did have a real conversation. I asked her out a second time, and at the time she said yes, but between the call and the actual date, she got grounded and stayed grounded for six months or more, so that was the end of that. I of course continued to steal glances at Thomas when I could all year, but since as far as I know he was not even capable of the same type of attraction, plus I'm fairly certain that he belonged to a fairly Conservative Church, that of course never came to anything either. I went to Boy Scout Camp and on a Youth Mission Trip that sumer as well, but the former in State that year, and it was more camping, not meals prepared for us at a cafeteria, which most of my Scout Mates considered more what it should be, cooking for ourselves and such, that is. I'm not sure where my Youth Group went that Summer either, although it might have been somewhere in Idaho. My Junior Year of High School, a boy named Daniel joined my Boy-Scout Troop. He was kind of cute, so I invited him over to play video games, and he accepted. He was the first guy that I had a crush on that I did manage to get together with outside of where I had met him, since neither Travis nor Thomas ever accepted my invitations. That year there were of course a lot of girls that I had crushes on, but the one that stands out in my mind was one that came to the church youth group several times named Ruth. She was incredibly hot, although still not -as- hot as Thomas, and if not quite as gorgeous as Sarah, an extremely close second. Sarah also came back to Youth Group once or twice and when she did her nose was even bigger than it had been on either of our two dates or the one Birthday Party of mine that she came to in between. To this day I'm honestly not sure how I avoided having a spontaneous ejaculation then and there, but I did, although I'm sure that I must have masturbated as soon as I got home. At that actually I'm pretty sure it was just one time, now that I think about it, Sarah said something that I could have been misinterpreting, but to me sounded like all that she wanted out of a relationship with a boy was sex, which at that time was not my main priority. I did not ask Sarah out again right at that point, although I did call her a few times after my Freshman year, but when she said she had a boy-friend, that was the end of that. I also asked Ruth out several times, but she always had something else to do. There was a boy named Cory that she came with and they were good friends and she often suggested that I call him when she was unavailable, but he was never available either. It didn't occur to me at the tine, but a recent thought has occurred to me that I feel I must mention here, even though it is violating the rules of proceed as my life proceeded, and that is that since when I calked to ask her out and she said no she suggested that I call him, it could be that he was gay, which would also fit a teenage boy having a best friend who was a girl. That is of course just speculation, but it is possible. In any case, I never got together with either Cory or Ruth outside of Youth Group, because he was always otherwise occupied as well (it could be if he was gay that he wasn't ready to admit it, perhaps not even to himself, but again that is just wild speculation). During the course of my Junior Year of High School, while Daniel was the first, there were in fact several boys that I had crushes on, although the only other name that springs immediately to mind is another Scout Mate whose name was Jared, and a friend of Daniel's named Gail. Gail also voiced the lead in the soundtrack for a movie that I had been trying to make since I was ten. There were also several girls that I had crushes on, but the only one I ever actually had a date with was a girl named Lisa. She was attractive, but I primarily asked her out because I had decided that I was only going to date Christian girls, and one day in our psychology class when she and I and two others had finished analyzing each others' dreams and still had some tine left, we told what our parents did and she said her father was a pastor. Lisa and I had our first date in April of my junior year of high school. She was a year ahead of me in school and so graduated sometime in June, but she stayed in the area and we had another date in June or July. I of course also continued in Boy Scouts, and while I made efforts to get together with some of my other Scout Mates outside of Scouting, most if not all of whom my primary motivation for wanting to get together with was because I thought they were cute or handsome, at any rate attractive, aka, I had a crush on them,but the only one that I ever did get together with was continuing to get together with Daniel, who did continue to get hotter and cuter every time I saw him. The summer between my Junior and Senior Year of high school, most of my Boy Scout Troop went to a summer camp that was a twelve day hike, although since there was a minimum age cut off that not everyone in the troop met, there was an alternative camp offered as well. I chose the other camp for two reasons. For one thing, my physical condition as a result of my car accident did not really allow me to realistically attempt such a thing. Secondly and even more importantly, I was turning eighteen in November, still needed a few Merit badges to reach Eagle, and the hike camp did not offer anything except perhaps the hiking merit badge. Daniel of course did go to the hike camp, I think I was the only one old enough to go to that camp who did not. I must admit, as Daniel became better and better looking, it became harder and harder to keep my eyes off of him at the meetings. “Why are you always looking at me, Matt?” he even asked at one meeting, but fortunately there was enough else going on that I was able to deflect the question. But as he was becoming cuter and cuter and also hotter and hotter, things did begin to get complicated. When I first started getting together with him, most often at my place although occasionally he did invite me over to his, I would always masturbate with him after he went home or I came home. At some point, though he became so hot that I had to start masturbating with him before we got together to be sure that I did not have a problem. One time I actually masturbated while he was there, but that was not something that I ever wished to repeat, partly because it was not being a very good host, but mostly because it could have led to revealing my attraction to him, which I thought might not be very good for our friendship. I think it was after that that I stared masturbating in advance of our get togethers. Even as hot as Daniel was now becoming, however, he could still not even hold a candle, possibly not even a flicker, although maybe a flicker, but certainly not a full candle, to Thomas's HOTNESS. And so I came to my senior year of high school. At the aforementioned summer camp, I had earned the last merit badge that I needed for Eagle Scout, plus one, and I had made sure to make it to all of the meetings for the past year so that Scout Spirit would not be an issue. Which just left my Eagle Project, since for Eagle Scout one has to organize and oversee a Service Project of One's Own. There was a gully behind my church that had been sold to the city to make into a neighborhood park with the understanding that if the city had done nothing there within I think it was five years, the property would revert to the Church. Naturally, about four years and six months into this time, the city finally started dong something. This comes into my story because my Eagle Project ended up being to organize the tree planting in this park. Of course there were channels that I had to go through to get this approved and all, but it was, and so on a Saturday in I think it was late October I led others in doing it. I'm not sure that I personally planted a single tree, but I was still the one who planned, organized and led others in doing it. Obviously, Daniel was there, since he was in my troop, but on that day I was not focused on his attractiveness but on getting the project done, which we did. There were a few individual trees that specific people wanted to plant as memorials, and obviously we left that for them, but all of the others we got planted that day. Of course, after this was all done, I was exhausted and rested a bit, although I couldn't rest too long because I was going to turn eighteen at the end of November, and there were still a few procedural matters that I needed to go through for Eagle, I thought before then, although I later found out as long as my Eagle Project was done before I was eighteen, I was fine. Nevertheless, I did have my Eagle Scout Board of Review scheduled I believe before my eighteenth Birthday, although it was not actually held until after, in early December, while my Original Birthday is in late November. They asked me questions about what I had learned and how I had grown and such, and of course did I feel that I had earned the Rank of Eagle, to which I obviously answered “yes”. Then I waited outside while the three of them, one representative from my troop, one from The Council that my Troop was in and one from the District that the Council was within, discussed and decided. When the representative from my troop came out to get me, I couldn't read his face at all, which had me a bit worried, but when I got in the room and the other two were smiling, I eased a bit and then was told that I had been accepted for Eagle by all three, of course since there were only three of them, it almost had to be all three either way. When I later mentioned not being able to read the man's face, my mom remarked that she thought he always had a rather inexpressive face, which, we reflected, was probably why they sent him out to get me. Of course, while with all earlier ranks there was just a board of review within the troop and if they approved the rank advancement, you got it, for Eagle not only did you have to have a broader representation at your Board of Review, but you also had to send your application to the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) National Office, so even then it was not quite a done deal, but I or they sent in the application after the board and then there was nothing to do but wait. After my eighteenth Birthday, I could have stayed in the troop as some kind of assistant adult leader, but as it was my Senior Year of High School, and I was taking a few rather tough classes that I had to have t graduate but had put off as long as I could, I turned all of my attention to my studies after November Twenty-Sixth, 1993. One draw back of leaving Boy Scouts was that I did not see Daniel as often, but we continued to get together socially, and he did at least sometimes come to the same church that I had gone to for as long as I could remember. Of course, my Senior Year of High School, there was another pressing matter in need of serious consideration and a decision: namely, college. I had been to a presentation from four of the local colleges earlier in the year and decided on a private one that was once affiliated with The Presbyterian Church, my denomination, although there were no longer direct links, but several people from my specific congregation did teach there. Anyway, I sent my application to them around the same time that my Eagle Application was mailed to The BSA. I mention this closeness in dates sent because it was on the very same day in January 1994 that I received a letter from The BSA and two letters from Westminster Collge. I to this day am not certain how I avoided literally busting with excitement, but I did, and opened the letters. The one from The BSA said that my Eagle Application had been accepted, which I was of course over the moon about. The first one from Westminster said that I had been accepted to the college and the other that I had received a substantial Academic Scholarship. Needless to say, I was on cloud nine for several days afterwards. In February 1994, my Eagle Scout Court of Honor was held. This is technically a separate ceremony than a regular Court of Honor, the idea being to honor just the new Eagle Scout, although my troop usually held Eagle Scout Courts of Honor immediately following regular Courts of Honor, a matter of convenience mostly, I think, but that was fine with me. I invited several at that time current friends who had not been in Boy Scouts with me, and of course all of my Scouting friends were there anyway. Ironically and purely by chance, the woman who had been my very first physical therapist after my car accident also happened to be there, she had some connection with one of the men, I believe. She was pleased to see how well I had done, and seeing her in a less confrontational environment than that therapy room had seemed to an eight year old boy was nice for me too. Of course Daniel was also there, getting better looking every time I saw him, which was an added bonus. The rest of that night is a blur of celebrating and speeches, of which there were many, by my dad, my troop master and many others, leading up to my actually being presented the badge, the scarf, and I believe one or two other items that I can not remember, although I'm pretty sure a trophy of some kind was one. I of course also gave a speech, but all I really remember of it is that I talked about the journey that I had been on for the past seven years and what I had learned as I climbed to the top of the mountain and concluding with “But this is not the end of the journey. Tomorrow, I must begin learning to fly. But for tonight, I sleep soundly in the nest.” The last was intended figuratively, although in that troop it was a tradition that every time there was a new Eagle, we would have “The Nest of Eagles” in which every Eagle in attendance, from any troop and any time, was invited onto the stage where a group of chairs waited, and of course at the end of the ceremony, the new Eagle joined them. My only complaint about the whole evening was that the dessert the immediately preceding Eagle brought (another tradition of my troop) had berries in it, but I managed. Each previous Eagle also passed on this staff with something added to it representing the new Eagle. I do not remember what was added for me, but I do remember that during the three months it was in our house, so were a lot more bugs. The next boy I actually did not know very well, so for his May Court of Honor, I just carved his first name into a piece of leather. He had actually earned his Eagle at the same time as me and we had been thinking of some kind of Double Eagle Court of Honor, but then he had an uncle that he wanted there who couldn't make it in February but could in May, so that is what happened. The summer after High School, I tried to make this movie I'd dreamed about making for years, but when I started college that fall there was little if any progress. That summer I also went on my last Youth Mission Trip with my church. Actually, it was more of a camp, but it was a lot of fun, Fun in The Son. I lost track of most of my Scouting and High School friends in college, although Daniel and I did keep in touch, as did my best friend from my High School and I, even though he was two years older than me and Daniel four years younger, so he started High School the same year that I started college. I continued at the same church and so even though no longer involved in Youth Group stayed in touch with people there. For many years I had labored under the idea that “Yes, I'm turned on by guys and girls now, but when I meet 'the one', 'the right girl', 'the perfect girl' (I used all of these terms at various times) I will become just her name sexual and everyone else, male and female, will vanish from my heart and from my hormones”. Sometime in my freshman or sophomore year o college, I realized that two people are only perfect for each other if they work with each other to become perfect for each other. Then I realized that, having realized this, I was still turned on by males and females, which made me realize that I was in fact bisexual. On further reflection, I realized that as a bisexual, to be balanced, there would need to be at least four people in a relationship, I'd need a boy-friend and a girl-friend to be balanced, and they'd both need to be bisexual to understand my need for the other, and if they had the same girl-friend, we could all be balanced with just four, but if not, it would need to be eight, and then twelve, and so on, so I decided that I would just never be in a romantic relationship. On even further reflection, I realized that, while I probably knew more total good looking girls than good looking guys, I knew more REALLY good looking guys than really good looking girls. I think it was around this time that I also realized for the first time at a conscious level, even though my hormones had known it for years, that Thomas was not only the hottest guy that I had ever known, but hotter than any girl or woman I had known before, during or after the time that I knew him, FAR hotter. This made it seem clear that I was meant to be strictly gay, but there was still something holding me back. At some point, the timing escapes me, I figured out what. While Thomas was almost if not infinitely HOTTER than Sarah had ever been, meaning that he did more for my hormones, she had been beyond drop dead gorgeous, while he was very handsome yes, but not gorgeous, because he had absolutely no cue. To me, as I said earlier, a gorgeous female is cute, pretty and beautiful while a gorgeous guy is cute and handsome. So, then, of course, the problem became finding a guy crush who was without a doubt more gorgeous than Sarah had ever been, not an easy task both because of how gorgeous she was and how long it had been since I had seen her. Obviously, he would need a completely clear face to match hers, that was not hard to measure. She had also had a considerable shine to her face, which I wasn't sure could be matched, and even if it was, it might blind me. Besides, it had by then been so long since I had seen her, it wold have to be so much that there was no doubt, and that would definitely have blinded me. Which just left one thing. Sarah had also had a really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY big nose. So a guy with an even bigger nose, and an at least close glaze, would do. The trouble was, it had by then been so long since I had seen her, I couldn't be sure of the exact proportions of her nasal apparatus, so I couldn't just see a guy that's nose was slightly bigger, call up an exact image of her in my head and make a direct comparison to see the superiority of his size and have it done. No, what I needed was a guy crush whose nose was so tremendously, hugely, enormously, stupendously BIG that there was just no room at all whatsoever for doubt that it was bigger than hers had ever been, that there was just no possible way that it was not bigger than hers had ever even dreamed of being. The trouble was, while I knew lots of guys with really big noses, some of which might have even been slightly bigger than hers as discussed above, no guy that I knew or had ever known had a nose that could even come close to approaching that threshold. So I remained in hormonal limbo from the time that I figured this out through the end of my sophomore year of college. Daniel had by then become gorgeous and had for a long time been getting more and more gorgeous, but at the beginning of my second year of college leveled off and while he remained the most gorgeous guy I knew, he could not even hold a flicker, much less a candle, to Sarah, and while I met a lot of other really gorgeous guys, none even reached his level, much less exceeded it, and so the problem seemed intractable. No One was ever as hot as Thomas, and that record stands to this day. So, after having sorted the last of this out somewhere around my sophomore year of college and the summer that followed having decided that I would just be in hormonal limbo forever, my hormones firmly on the homosexual side, but my mind stuck in the bisexual side. This obviously also meant that there was absolutely no chance at all whatsoever of my ever being in any kind of a relationship of that nature. That fall, of course, I returned to Salt Lake City for my Junior Year of College, and once I was settled into the dorm and had my classes more or less underway, the first thing I did was arrange to get together with Daniel and my other best friend, we'll call him Clarence. I have absolutely no memory of what Clarence and I did. For that matter, I have absolutely no memory of what Daniel and I actually did, but I remember we arranged to meet in the lobby of the theater building. I was there first and he was late, not uncommonly or uncharacteristically. But, when he did walk through the double automatic, glass doors. . .I gasped. . . His face was completely clear, as always. His glaze slightly exceeded what Sarah's had ever been but not enough to blind me, but at that moment despite the time since I had seen her glaze, I knew beyond doubt that his glaze slightly exceeded hers. But, what was really something to stare at was. . . his nose. It was indeed so tremendously, hugely, enormously, BEYOND BIG, that there was absolutely no doubt that it was far bigger than Sarah's had ever been or even dreamed of being. In the terminology I now use, it would definitely qualify as snout, but at that time I had not yet adopted that terminology. But,in any case, there was then no doubt that his nose was, starting at that moment and for the rest of the tine that I knew him, almost if not infinitely bigger than Sarah's had ever been or even dreamed of being and so his face almost if not infinitely more gorgeous than she had ever been or even dreamed of being, which set both feet firmly on the path towards becoming strictly gay and enabled me to start walking, which I immediately did, out of hormonal limbo, although I didn't reach the end of that path for nearly another two years, towards the end of my Senior Year of College. In the mean time, I continued to go to my classes, hang out with Daniel and Clarence, not together, Clarence did not like Daniel very much, and many of my college friends, do stuff with the theatre group, including a very minor part in one play, and of course once I was in Spring Semester of my Senior Year, start tying to work out my next move. My whole life up to that point had pretty much been lived on a preset course Scouting was my decision, as was Church Youth Group in Junior and Senior High School and extracurricular activities, more in college than in high school at least at school, but that the fall after I graduated from High School I would start college and so on had never really been in doubt. What next?, though, was not preset. So in the one month not quite as academic centered May Term of my senior year, I signed up for a career assessment class and career shadowing, as well as an English Class that I felt rounded out that year well. Anyway, after my last Spring Semester Final, I returned to my dorm room and just collapsed on my bed and slept until the next day. The next day being Friday, however, and my friend Clarence and I having planned for me to spend the night at his apartment, since I don't drive and didn't have enough money for cab fare, I went down to the cashier's office to cash a check. The young woman working the counter said that school policy prevented her from doing it there, but that she was about to go on her lunch break and could give me a ride to the bank, to which I agreed. But, that is not the important part of this encounter. The important thing is, she had a nose big enough to compete with Daniel's, maybe not win, but at least compete, on a completely clear face with a glaze that gave it quite a shine (again, perhaps not quite as strong as Daniel's but it would have been a good fight) and so a face that, while not as HOT as Thomas's or perhaps quite as Gorgeous as Daniel's, for the past eight years would have provoked some kind of reaction from my hormones and or my mind and thus eyes, and I had no such reaction at all. So I knew at that moment that I had finally become strictly gay, and the fact that no woman since has ever turned me on or turned my head at all confirms that. The day after I became strictly gay, I did get a little bonus. Obviously, Daniel was the most gorgeous person that I had ever known and of course Thomas remained the hottest. The Saturday after the Friday that I spent the night with Clarence, I had made arrangements to join Gail at a thing at his school, some sports centered event, I do not remember any details beyond that. Anyway, either when he picked me up or when I got there and saw him for the first time if I got there some other way, he had a nasal apparatus that's width was one-hundred percent of the width of his face, and it stayed that way that entire day, or at least the part of it that we spent together, which made him even more gorgeous than Daniel. Looking back now, I think Gail's Grand Snout, as I later decided to cal it, was a bonus or present for having completed the journey. What makes it seem even more likely that it was something like this is that when I saw him once the following summer, while he did still have even larger nostrils than Daniel, they were not quite that wide, which is why at this moment I decided that it was some kind of reward for having completed the journey towards becoming strictly gay, and could perhaps have been something that only I saw. But, in any case, the final stats are these: Thomas was the hottest guy I ever knew, Gail was the most gorgeous guy I ever knew, and Daniel, in the end, was the second hottest and the second most gorgeous guy that I ever knew, even though it was Daniel's out gorgeousing of Sarah that enabled me to complete the journey to become strictly gay and Gail then being even more gorgeous a bonus or reward for having completed my hormonal journey. Of corse, there are several guys that I have had crushes on since then, but none of them have quite compared in looks or compared at all in importance/significance with these three, and so that completes the hormonal journey part of this story. Then I of course did May Term, in which I took two career related classes and an English Class called Nature Writers, rounding out my year since I had taken 'Literature of The Environment' in Fall Semester and using my final paper from that class written my Senior Thesis on Tolkein's use of Nature in THE HOBBIT Spring Semester. I told Clarence sometime during that time that I was gay, and he said that I just needed to meet the right girl, or some such nonsense. Anyway, at the end of May I of course graduated, and the original plan had been that after I graduated I would get an apartment with Clarence. However, two weeks before I was to graduate, he told me that I needed to work there for six months and establish residency for a better rate before we got our apartment together. Since I had nowhere else to live for those six months, that fell through and I moved back in with my parents in Texas, where I still live, albeit in a different city. I made a few more trips back to Salt Lake to try and make the movie I had had in mind since I was twelve, but that ended up falling apart too. On the last trip I was in the car with Daniel and one other guy, we were looking for this one other guy's house, and I was sitting next to Daniel, and it had been a while since I had masturbated, and he was so HOT that day that I ended up ejaculating in my undershorts, which obviously ended that particular excursion, although of course I didn't tell anyone else the true reason, and that basically killed that attempt at the movie and in effect that dream. After I got back to Texas that time, I poured everything into my writing. I got a lot more short stories and some not so short stories written over the next several years, including a better version of the script for the movie that I had tried to make right after college, although I have yet to attempt to turn this into an actual movie. I also wrote a screenplay for a space age teen coming of age story, but more than ten years later I still do not have it ready to try to sell. Of course, about six years ago, my writing took a different tun, which I shall get to in a bit. I submitted short stories to several fiction magazines, but was rejected by all of them. At some point I also got an application for a correspondence writing course, which I filled out, including a writing sample, sent in and heard back that they were all impressed with my work and so I took that course, and now have several pieces from that ready for submission, although I have yet to submit any of them. Actually, I might have submitted one or two, but no more. In any case, I have yet to be published professionally. There were also a few longer works, one in particular, THE DRAGON'S FANG, that I had started during breaks while I was in college but then gave a lot more attention, at least for a while. My completely new, space age teen coming of age, screenplay and several of my short stories, course and otherwise, also had at least an element of fighting for gay rights in them, although THE DRAGON'S FANG did not. As will happen, I of course also continued to progress through birthdays, and after I turned twenty-five and thus under the law at that time was too old to still receive health insurance through my parents, and so, being a freelance writer, then had to shop for coverage on the open market. I, with my parents help, settled on a company and plan, sent for and received an application, filled it out and sent it in. On the application, it asked what serious health issues I had had within the past FIVE years, and since at age twenty-five the time when I was eight years old was a good deal more than five years previous, I did not mention my car accident. Everything was fine for about a year, until I had the audacity to dare to actually file a claim. When this outrageous thing occurred, the company dug as deep as it could through all of the records of my entire medical history, which of course eventually led them to my traumatic brain injury, and then they not only denied that claim because they said it was somehow a residual effect from my head injury, which was a heap of BULL SHIT, the two were completely unrelated, but also revoked my coverage and said that had they known about this matter they would not have issued me a policy at all and acted like I had been deliberately deceptive in not disclosing my entire medical history on the application that only asked for the past five years. After this, I applied for coverage with several other companies and did disclose my entire medical history on the application, even though they also only asked for the past five years, but was rejected by all of them, because, they said, a subhuman piece of pond sludge like me should not have any Health Insurance at all. OK, their letters did not actually use those words, but that was how what they did say effected me. Eventually, I found that Texas had a Risk Pool for people like me, which was certainly better than nothing, but was required by state law to always be twice the rate of comparable, private coverage, even at that rate the lowest deductible that I could get was $1,000, and I had to reapply every year and prove that I was still a subhuman piece of pond sludge to continue coverage, which was, of course, not a problem, since a traumatic brain injury does not change or go away. In any case, I kept writing, including more gay rights stories and stories on some of my other issues, but also many for pure entertainment, which I also made the surface part of my message short stories, so people's defenses would not go up until I had already penetrated their hearts and minds and so it would be too late. A time came when I needed and so had decided to devote all of my writing attention to the final version of the final part of a screenplay series, the same screenplay series that I had tried to turn the middle part of into an actual movie right after college. Just after I had made this decision, however, I received an invitation from the company that I had taken my earlier writing course with to take a correspondence novel writing class. This was, of course, too good of an opportunity to pass up. So for a while I tried to balance both of these, but in the end this was impossible and I had to drop the course, although I did by then have all of the course materials that were mine to keep and so could be used for future novels, which they have. On the night of December First, 2007, I began to actually write this screenplay, and on the night of March Ninth, 2008, I concluded the action part of the story, and the following night, March tenth, I wrote the wrap up. I do have to mention, that on the night of March Ninth, when, within the story, I was writing The FINAL BATTLE between Freedom and Bondage, Love and and Hate, Life and Death, Light and Darkness, GOOD AND EVIL themselves, the sky and weather outside were as calm as could be, and the next night, March tenth, when I was writing the wrap up, there was a massive thunderstorm going on outside, it was really carrying on that night, and I had to think “couldn't you have done this LAST night”. Not that it mattered either way for the wrap up, but it would have been a far better backdrop for writing THE FINAL BATTLE than a totally calm night sky. After completing a story as dark and heavy as this one, my plan was to try and write some lighter stuff, but apart from one attempt at a comedy that ended up being a drama with a few jokes, and not very good jokes at that, that was not to be. Since the time I was twenty-six, I had been on The Texas Health Insurance Risk Pool and had basically accepted that that was how it was going to be for the rest my life. But then, in November 2008, a wonderful thing happened. Barak Obama was elected President of The United States, and among his policy priorities was finally getting Health Care Reform done. Of course, from day one, the Republican chant was “Hell no, we won't go. Hell no, we won't go.” But, of course, fortunately, they lost, even when, after Ted Kennedy, a man who had devoted his entire sixty years in the Senate to getting health care reform done, the people of Massachusetts BETRAYED the man that had represented them in the senate for more than half a century by electing a republican who had vowed to stop it. I heard one of them say that we should study the issue further, I'm sure because that state already had something along the lines of what now exists nationally, and not be in such a hurry. Well, I have been studied and waited long enough. Any and EVERY person from Massachusetts who voted for Scott Walker is a TRAITOR to Ted Kennedy. After this debate started, I devoted my writing to this question, showing the evilness of republican opposition to what I call Justice In Health Care, and eventually I even started a blog, A Voice In The Wilderness at avoiceinthewilderness-wildvoicenet.blogspot.com. I started publishing my health care short stories on this, although I'm not sure how many people, if any, ever read any o them. Eventually, this blog became mostly if not entirely devoted to advocating for the rights of people with disabilities. Then, of course, I started another blog, THE STORM at thestormbreaks.blogspot.com, that is devoted to advocating in support of health care reform, gay rights and also gun control. I have also published much on the health care matter and some on the other matters on facebook, and advocated for many of these matters in letters to the editor and our elected so-called representatives, and at times in live situations. I am still searching for ways to make my voice heard and get people to listen to what I have to say who are not all members of the choir, but I am still struggling with this, but am working on it. So, my car accident, when it happened, seemed a completely negative event, and I am sure that my life as a whole would have been far different had it not happened, but, while I might still be a gay man advocating for gay rights and for reasonable restrictions on gun purchases and ownership, I would not have the personal insight into the failings of the old, profits over patients, health care system that I do and so would not have quite the passion for health care reform that I do, which will make me make sure everyone hears what I have to say on the matter, even though with this I have now said almost all that I actually have to say that is new on the matter, since my last two posts on the storm, “THE UNCLEAN BRAIN” and 'AT LAST I HAVE FOUND THE WORDS' complete what I have been trying to say about this matter for years, say it, and so are basically, apart from this, the absolute final word on the subject, but now it is all about getting people to hear it. So, in short, the course of my life, as it has occurred, has brought me full circle, FROM ACCIDENT TO ACTIVIST.