OF GUNS AND GAYS

"Jacob!," cried Lauren. "Stop looking at me that way. I"M NOT GAY!" Jacob sighed. He knew this, of course, but his best friend was just SO HOT, he couldn't help it. "I'm going out on a date with Francine, my GIRL-friend," said Lauren. "We'll talk later." Before Jacob could say a word, Lauren stood and the door slammed. "Not that there is anything to talk about," Jacob sighed. "I've got a crush on my best friend that he's incapable of returning." This had been going on for a year now, even though Jacob had only mentioned it to Lauren four months or so back. 'What am I supposed to do?" he shouted at the world in general. "He makes my stomach do cartwheels and my hormones go into overdrive, but he's incapable of returning any of those feelings." 'If you can not control your unnatural urges', the voice of his Priest echoed in his head. 'You should kill yourself. You'll burn in Hell either way.' Jacob sighed again. The time had come. This burden was too much to bare. He typed his parents a note and set it to go to them on a delayed email, when it would be too late to stop him. Then he pulled his revolver out of its drawer, got in his car and dove to the park. It was a night of lights and noise from all over the skies, as if God or the gods were setting the mood for the Final Act before his curtain fell. He walked to the edge of the cliff. Even if the bullet missed something vital, the impact would send him tumbling down the thousand foot drop, and he wanted to be sure. He lifted the gun towards his temple, saying a prayer begging forgiveness for everything, he wasn't even sure who he believed to, as he did so. His finger touched the trigger.. . Suddenly, there was a clap of thunder right in front of him, and a moment later the gun was goon, seeming to have dissolved into thin air. Looking around in surprise and he wasn't sure if it was relief or regret, he saw two young men with by far the biggest noses that he had ever seen, each less than an inch less than the width of their faces, standing there. "That was not a very smart or moral thing which you were about to do, boy," said one of the men. "It was not your decision to make for me!" shouted Jacob, suddenly angry. "I've had a crush on my best friend for a year, he's straight and our friendship is about to end. My priest said that I should kill myself if I couldn't control my unnatural urges. I've tried, and I CAN NOT CONTROL THEM. So this is my only option. My only way out." "What if we offered you another way out," said the slightly older seeming young man. "A place, in this life, where you will never be judged for who or what you can not help being." 'I'd say you were completely delusional," said Jacob. "Who are you, anyway?" "I'm Samuel," said the older looking boy. He pointed at the other. "This is David-Jesse. We're members of a group of people known as The Thunder Boys, and our mission is to wipe out gun violence a homophobia. As you saw, firearms are of nob consequence to us." "We'll see about that," shouted a familiar female voice from behind. Looking up, Jacob saw Lauren's girl-friend, Francine, pointing an assault rifle at all three of them. He screamed and dropped to the ground, but Samuel and David-Jesse just looked bored and sighed. Francine fired, but nothing happened, neither of the so-called Thunder Boys reacted at all, and Jacob could not figure out what had happened to the bullets. "Thunder Boys can not be harmed by bullets," said David-Jesse, turning to face Lauren and Francine. "And. . ." he gave a casual wave of one hand, there was a great clap of thunder, and the gun dissolved right in her hands. "You can see of how much consequence to us firearms themselves are as well. I suggest you stop troubling this poor boy, before we show you what else we are capable of." Lauren and Francine didn't need telling twice. Jacob heard their retreating feet moments later, having closed his eyes with the last flash of lightning. Then he opened his eyes and gaped at the two. "That was amazing," he said. "I guess life s worth living, after all. And maybe there is such a place as you described earlier." A sudden flash of excitement raced through him. "Can you make me a Thunder Boy too." His heart sank at their very looks. "Unfortunately not," said Samuel. "You are a male, your nose is eighty percent of the width of your face, and you are strictly gay. But you are under twenty-five, and you are not part of a committed gay couple, essential because no one can be A Thunder Boy, people can only be Thunder Boys." "I see," said Jacob in a dejected tone. "Then. . ." Samuel seized Jacob's chin and lifted it up. "But we can take you to a place you will never be judged. Our headquarters, The Fortress of Thunder." "What about my family?" asked Jacob. "It's not a prison," said David-Jesse. "You can come and go as you wish. But it is a place where people like us can at least get a rest from people like those two." Jacob only needed a moment's thought, then his face creased with the biggest smile it had had i four years, since he had figured out that he was gay. "You're on," he said. "How do we get there?" "Like this," said both of the older "Boys" together. They high-fived each other with both hands, there was a clap of thunder and then the cliff as empty. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE FORTRESS OF THUNDER.